One Year Later, FLAT Secures Food Source

MISSOULA – Since the dawn of the FLAT’s most recent era almost one year ago, during which the Green Onion and the ever-popular “What’s Kate Putting in Her Mouth Now?” series both made their debuts, FLAT residents have subsisted on back yard pickings, various basement rodents and insects, and occasional donations from friends during so-called pot-lucks. Their…

FLAT Missing, Replaced by University TUNDRA Initiative

MISSOULA – City officials estimate this morning that the UM FLAT, a popular demonstration house in the University District, has gone missing.  “We haven’t seen the house anywhere for several hours,” reports one patrol officer on duty during today’s blizzard.  While the house’s whereabouts have not been determined, general consensus among neighbors is that the…

Intoxicated Resident Blows Beer Money on Garden Supplies

MISSOULA – Residents in the area of Missoula, Montana may have noticed a dramatic delay in package delivery services last Wednesday as shipping companies diverted trucks to the University District.  The mass diversion occurred as companies were forced to accommodate the sudden, heavy influx of gardening supplies, seeds in particular, to the UM FLAT.  Delays…

FLAT to Consider International Day of Love

I will not play at tug o’ war. I’d rather play at hug o’ war, Where everyone hugs Instead of tugs, Where everyone giggles And rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses, And everyone grins, And everyone cuddles, And everyone wins. by Sheldon Allan Silverstein

FLATGate Scandal Exposed!

MISSOULA – Social media exploded this past week as information was leaked revealing the FLAT’s private efforts to insulate itself from a failing economy.  Widely regarded as the very cause of the University’s questionable financial security in 2014, the FLAT has repeatedly come under fire for mismanaged funds, labor abuses, and withholding information from the…

Green Onion Science Report: New Study Shows Open Door is Source of Thermal Discomfort

MISSOULA – Researchers from the University of Montana reported in the school’s quarterly “Whodathunkit” science magazine, released earlier this week, that a previously overlooked domicile transitory function may be the missing link needed to answer the persistent question: W-w-w-why is it so c-c-cold in here?” (emphasis added).  “To be honest, we were more concerned with…

Celebrations Persist as Green Onion Editor Steps Down

MISSOULA – The University district was abuzz last Saturday as residents celebrated the upcoming retirement of M.C. Donough, close relative of ex-poet P.J. Donough and current Editor-in-Chief of the Green Onion.  Staff were so relieved at the announcement, reports intern and resident Backhouse Bumpkin Mara O’Mara, that the entire FLAT and dozens of supporters took…

Green Onion Exclusive: Local D.O.V. to Replace Woods as FLAT Beard-In-Residence

MISSOULA – FLAT officials announced earlier this week that M. Woods, long-time resident and go-to man for items on high shelves, will be resigning his post this year effective December 24.  “He will be sorely missed,” commented Boss Griffith in an official statement Wednesday evening.  “He was a valuable asset to this community and well-liked…

University Residents Charged with Human Rights Violation

MISSOULA – In a surprise turn of events, long-time sustainability advocates and residents of the UM COOP were detained by campus police this weekend on charges of “violating basic human rights,” reported local officials.  COOP residents have claimed no knowledge of any violations and have demanded immediate release. Police claim that the call came from a neighbor…

Local “Beans” Poet Ridiculed, Forced to Resign

MISSOULA – Public outcry over a poem that appeared recently in the FLATimes reached new extremes this week when Boss Griffith demanded an apology and revision from the poem’s author.  “Beans Beans Beans!,” written by FLAT poet-in-residence, P.J. Donough, appeared in last week’s Special Wednesday Poem Edition, sparking vigorous debate over the value of vegetable-related…