New Poll Finds 17% of Residents Self-Identify as “Cold”

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One in Six residents self identify as cold, according to the latest FLAT poll

MISSOULA – A recent poll published by the local think-tank, FLAT (Forum for Learning Absolutely Tiddly-twat), found that roughly two in twelve residents consider themselves cold. FLAT statisticians studied the results from the six participants surveyed and found that “the trends are clearer than we expected. When we started this study in July we predicted a lower rate of self-identified “cold” people, so this raises some serious questions about the direction in which our society is headed” conferred lead investigator Dr. Lau, a respected researcher in the area.

The trends to which he refers, of course, are the lifestyle choices of local residents, particularly between the ages of 20 and 34. “It’s a lifestyle that many may find upsetting,” Lau says, “particularly among conservatives.”

Critics of the recent study have noted several misleading aspects of the poll. “If you look closely at the data, you can see some inconsistencies between the participants” notes Green Onion contributor and long-time advocate of appropriate attire, K. Stanley. “The 17% self-identifying as cold also happen to live in the basement, which the study failed to take into account.” Also, according to Stanley, the 17% is inflated from 16.67%, “a far more reasonable estimate” of the portion of residents claiming the cold lifestyle as their own.

Lau continues to stand by his team’s results, noting that “while there is certainly need for further study, the trends seen here are alarming enough to warrant concern.” Indeed, with a change from 0% to 16.67% of the population, the dramatic increase in the number of cold Americans in the three short months from July to October outpaces that of Ebola and the socks-with-sandals fashion combined.

“We can’t just ignore this,” says Lau. If trends continue, Lau’s team predicts, the number of cold Americans could double by December.

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