One Year Later, FLAT Secures Food Source

MISSOULA – Since the dawn of the FLAT’s most recent era almost one year ago, during which the Green Onion and the ever-popular “What’s Kate Putting in Her Mouth Now?” series both made their debuts, FLAT residents have subsisted on back yard pickings, various basement rodents and insects, and occasional donations from friends during so-called pot-lucks. Their monk-like emaciation has become almost synonymous with the FLAT, but all that may be coming to a fast end with the addition of their newest FLATmate.

Kara G.B. Colovich (figure 1) appeared late this past August amid mysterious circumstances in which Kate “The Hair” Stanley was suddenly and inexplicably moved into the property’s confinement ironically referred to as “The Cottage.” After quietly establishing her presence with the help of an unknown family member, Colovich joined the rest of the FLAT on their annual fall retreat to a cabin near Rock Creek.

Kara
Figure 1: Kara G.B. Colovich acquires much-needed food for her famished FLATmates. Colovich declined to respond to questions about her license.

“We really didn’t know what to do with her,” explained Lick Freeolo. “She was nice enough, but she was always making these long-distance phone calls to someone she only referred to as her ‘cousin.'” But on their first afternoon out, during which FLAT DJ Emcee Donough reportedly scrounged peanut butter sandwiches from the trash bins, Colovich produced a long pole-shaped object and fake insects, waded into Rock Creek, and produced a fish.

“I think it goes without saying,” acknowledged FLAT director and resident DOV, “that she may have changed the FLAT forever.” Since their retreat over the holiday weekend, residents have been showing signs of significant physical development. Deer populations in the area have begun to dwindle, some think as a direct result of the residents’ newly acquired survival tactics, and maps of the Ukraine have been reported replacing the FLAT’s National Geographic archives.

Responding to inquiries, residents have assured reporters that it is merely coincidence.

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