Intoxicated Resident Blows Beer Money on Garden Supplies

Griffith rests from sorting seeds on Friday

MISSOULA – Residents in the area of Missoula, Montana may have noticed a dramatic delay in package delivery services last Wednesday as shipping companies diverted trucks to the University District.  The mass diversion occurred as companies were forced to accommodate the sudden, heavy influx of gardening supplies, seeds in particular, to the UM FLAT.  Delays are fairly common in the poorly plowed city, and complaints were few, but some residents are calling the FLAT out for gross over-consumption, even threatening to file a Public Nuisance suit against the University’s famed sustainability forum.

“Where do they get off, interfering like that?” complained one city representative, who will represent the city in the proposed nuisance suit.  “How many seeds could they possibly need on that tiny property, anyway?”

FLAT residents expressed similar surprise at the mountain of seed packets currently gracing one corner of the house.  “This isn’t our fault; we found these seeds in our basement,” declared a clearly exasperated Boss Griffith, found sitting on a box of organic winter squash seeds.  Griffith went on to explain that the seeds had been donated over the past several years by local organizations but had simply not been used.  When asked about the cause of the shipping traffic last Wednesday, Griffith denied any knowledge of the event.

Rumors of negligence were confirmed Friday when one resident, who asked to remain anonymous, admitted that she had ordered the seeds online while under the influence.  “The cabin fever was really getting to me; I was just really looking forward to spring, you know?”  The resident confided that she had been browsing the online seed catalogs after having a few drinks and, not knowing what else to do, purchased every item on the page.  “I feel awful,” she concluded before returning to sorting summer greens and tubers.

May heckles while Stanley sorts seeds Friday

FLAT Garden Coordinator and portable space heater, Kate Stanley, admitted frustration upon first surveying the seed stash.  “What are we supposed to do with all of these?”  Residents have since agreed to reserve the seeds for “seed bombing” during the annual Earth Day celebration in April.  “Seed bombing involves balling seeds into clay and fertilizer and tossing them around the neighborhood to see what will grow,” explained Stanley.  While residents admit the potential pitfalls of this plan, they “see no other option.”  The remaining seeds will be planted in the FLAT’s new greenhouse and hotbed in the coming weeks.

“The worst part,” complained resident and FLAT critic, Colin May, “is that they blew all their beer money.  I mean, who does that in Montana?”

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