FLATGate Scandal Exposed!

MISSOULA – Social media exploded this past week as information was leaked revealing the FLAT’s private efforts to insulate itself from a failing economy.  Widely regarded as the very cause of the University’s questionable financial security in 2014, the FLAT has repeatedly come under fire for mismanaged funds, labor abuses, and withholding information from the press.  “For too long they’ve been seen as ‘too green to jail,’ complained PEAS farm manager and long-time FLAT critic, Josh Slotnick.  Now, it seems, their streak of legal immunity may be coming to an end.

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Griffith (Center) and stranded sailor (Right) react to press questioning Tuesday

Information leaked via smoke signals by a FLAT insider reveals that, for the past month or more, residents have been planning to lobby the University Budget Committee for continued existence as a University entity into next fall.  “It’s just sick” remarked one fraternity neighbor.  “They think they’re so important just because they experiment with that hippie living stuff and attract thousands of other hippies to come have hippie education time.”

Such sentiments are echoed by many in the community, where many are now calling the scandal “FLATGate,” betraying a long-standing animosity toward residents.  One neighbor explains:

“They get all their electricity from the sun or something, and then just pick their food out of the dirt next to their house; it’s unnatural.  And now they want to keep living there so they can suck on the University’s teat.  So what if the FLAT gets most of its support from non-University sources?  And so what if they’re some kind of ‘focal point’ for the environmental department?  It’s socialism, plain and simple.  I say let the market decide who gets to stay or go, recruitment rates be damned.”

Green Onion investigative journalist Ima Lisninn caught up with FLAT spokeswoman Boss Griffith after Thursday’s Wild Mercy reading.  “These accusations are simply not true,” explained Griffith.  “Sure, we’re working on a 5-year report to present to the committee so that they can judge for themselves the value of keeping the FLAT; we’ve been crunching numbers and taking stories for weeks.”  Griffith was reportedly unperturbed by the damage done by her blatant attack on American values.  “I really don’t think it’s a scandal at all,” she admitted.  “We’re good for this campus, and we’re just trying to become even better.”

University executives are expected to release a public statement condemning the FLAT’s actions, though none has yet been announced.  Updates will be reported daily.

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