Green Onion Science Report: New Study Shows Open Door is Source of Thermal Discomfort

Ambulatory Portal (visual approximation)

MISSOULA – Researchers from the University of Montana reported in the school’s quarterly “Whodathunkit” science magazine, released earlier this week, that a previously overlooked domicile transitory function may be the missing link needed to answer the persistent question: W-w-w-why is it so c-c-cold in here?” (emphasis added).  “To be honest, we were more concerned with uninsulated walls and single-pane windows, but we may have just stumbled on the ‘dark matter’ of energy science” says principle investigator N.S. Sherlock.  “We’re not willing to say for certain, but it’s possible that this could fill in the gap in our understanding of what keeps houses cold.”

The team employed a rare analytical technique in the field, referred to by practitioners as WTTD (What’s This Thing Do) analysis.  “It’s not fool-proof by any means,” cautions Sherlock.  “But the results came so close to our hypothesis that we couldn’t reject the possibility that there was causation going on.”

Team notes and data show that, when the posterior ambulatory portal was partially detached from the domicile super-structure, the average kinetic energy of air particles within the portal’s interior pressure field decreased.  “This is usually associated with lower temperature, but not always,” noted Sherlock.  But the discovery did not stop there: similar measurements taken within the exterior pressure field showed a proportional increase in particle kinetic energy.  “It was shocking, to say the least,” commented one researcher.

Noting that nothing has yet been proven, researchers plan to conduct a controlled experiment.  Final results can be expected in their February update.


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