MISSOULA – FLAT officials announced earlier this week that M. Woods, long-time resident and go-to man for items on high shelves, will be resigning his post this year effective December 24. “He will be sorely missed,” commented Boss Griffith in an official statement Wednesday evening. “He was a valuable asset to this community and well-liked by most of his FLATmates.” Woods’ departure is seen as a fatal blow to the FLAT by many who consider him an icon, though fans were too distraught to comment after Wednesday’s briefing.
“It’s just where I am in my life right now,” Woods commented to Green Onion reporters after the announcement. “It will be bitter-sweet, for sure… I mean, I like living here well enough, but you’d think these people would shower once in a while, you know?” Besides an apparently blinding level of poor personal hygiene, Woods also noted an “infuriating screeching sound” from an accordion below his bedroom. “We finally put a stop to the bad limericks, and then this.” Woods says that he will miss the FLAT.
In January Woods will be replaced by local Designated Oral Ventriloquist (D.O.V.) Weinman. The former Cosmopolitan Magazine’s Most Eligible Bachelor was selected for the FLAT’s prestigious Woods Seat after a “vigorous application and interview process,” says Griffith, though what a “vigorous interview” involves remains unclear. Weinman plans to begin his FLAT duties early Monday morning.